The Plumbing Prince
by Gudlyf
Summary: George feels the US postal service is out to get him, Jerry has plumbing problems, and Kramer reveals a little known secret.


SEINFELD: THE PLUMBING PRINCE  
  
Written By  
  
Keith McDuffee  
  
ACT I  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING  
  
The apartment is empty. NEWMAN is pounding on the apartment door  
  
from the outside.  
  
NEWMAN (O.C.)  
  
Jerry!? C'Mon Jerry open up,  
  
it's Newman.  
  
Knocking continues, then the door slowly opens while NEWMAN  
  
continues to knock, but now gently. NEWMAN peeks into the  
  
apartment.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Jerry?  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: MONK'S CAFE - MORNING  
  
GEORGE and JERRY sit at their regular booth - GEORGE to the left  
  
and JERRY to the right. JERRY has several small pieces of  
  
luggage with him (beside his feet, O.C.). GEORGE has a sandwich and a  
  
cup of coffee in front of him. GEORGE watches a postman walk  
  
into the cafe and hand mail to the cashier.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Y'know, I think the post office  
  
is out to get me.  
  
JERRY looks behind him at the postman who is walking out  
  
the door and turns back again.  
  
JERRY  
  
What, you mean that guy?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No. I mean the post office  
  
organization.  
  
JERRY  
  
The whole empire, huh?  
  
(Exaggerated) Well you picked  
  
the wrong group of people to  
  
mess with pal.  
  
GEORGE  
  
For example, what did you get  
  
for mail yesterday?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Annoyed) I dunno. A magazine, a  
  
couple of bills. Why, what do  
  
they send you when they're out  
  
to get ya?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Pause) Catalogs. (Pause) It's  
  
unnatural the number of catalogs  
  
I get.  
  
JERRY  
  
So - what's wrong with catalogs?  
  
GEORGE looks at JERRY as if he should know what he is  
  
talking about.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Now understanding)  
  
Oh...Catalogs.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ya. Those catalogs.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well how many of these catalogs  
  
do you get?  
  
GEORGE measures with his hands.  
  
GEORGE  
  
A stack this high.  
  
JERRY  
  
Do they have your name on them?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Accentuates with his hands)  
  
George Costanza.  
  
JERRY  
  
So why haven't you thrown them  
  
away?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Embarrassed) I have.  
  
JERRY  
  
Then how can you have a stack  
  
(uses hands) this high?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Shrugs) Well you know how they  
  
are. (Pause) They're  
  
illustrated.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well you must be on some kind of  
  
list.  
  
GEORGE  
  
A list? How could I get on that  
  
list?  
  
JERRY  
  
You tell me.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I have NO idea.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well have you bought anything -  
  
you know - sexy lately?  
  
GEORGE  
  
C'mon, Jer. Look who you're  
  
talking to here. The sexiest  
  
thing I've bought in recent  
  
years was a hairpiece. (Pause)  
  
There's only one explanation for  
  
how those catalog companies got  
  
my name. (Pause) The post  
  
office. It's a conspiracy to  
  
get me to buy the lustful things  
  
from these catalogs. You know  
  
how tempting it can get.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Wincing) No. Not really.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well I'm gonna have to put a  
  
stop to it somehow. The only  
  
problem is, once I've stopped  
  
the catalogs from coming, who  
  
knows what those maniacs will  
  
resort to next.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well maybe a bulletproof vest is  
  
in order.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Worried) Do you really think  
  
they'd resort to violence?  
  
JERRY gives GEORGE a look of disbelief.  
  
A waitress walks by the table.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(To waitress) Excuse me.  
  
Waitress?  
  
The waitress turns around.  
  
GEORGE (CONT'D)  
  
Could you please bring me some  
  
hot salsa? Please? Thank you.  
  
The waitress looks at him a little strange and walks  
  
towards the counter.  
  
JERRY  
  
Aren't you taking this salsa  
  
thing a little too seriously?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Not at all! Y'know I actually  
  
read that spicy foods burn fat?  
  
Burn fat, Jer! I'm telling ya,  
  
the Mexicans were onto something  
  
when they came up with this  
  
stuff.  
  
The waitress comes back to the table and puts down a bowl of  
  
salsa. GEORGE starts putting the salsa in his sandwich.  
  
JERRY  
  
Really? Well, hey, at this rate  
  
you could lose twenty pounds  
  
without ever leaving the booth.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's right. From now on, hot  
  
stuff on everything!  
  
GEORGE takes a bite of his sandwich. JERRY looks at him with a  
  
grimace. Immediately GEORGE looks bothered by how hot his  
  
sandwich is and begins to wipe his forehead with a napkin.  
  
JERRY  
  
I can just see the pounds melt  
  
away.  
  
JERRY looks at his watch.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh jeez, I gotta go.  
  
JERRY gets up from the table and picks up his two bags.  
  
JERRY (CONT'D)  
  
Oh, I almost forgot. You can't  
  
use the water in the apartment.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What? Well why not?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, I guess the pipes in the  
  
basement are having trouble, so  
  
they shut off all the water in  
  
the building for a few days.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I'm bringing Amy back there.  
  
How am I supposed to go to the  
  
bathroom all night?  
  
JERRY  
  
With all that salsa you're  
  
eating, I'm sure you'll think of  
  
something.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
EXT: SUPERMARKET - DAY  
  
Close-up on a sign in one of the windows that reads: "ON SALE  
  
TOMORROW ONLY: SALSA - BUY 3 FOR PRICE OF 1"  
  
INT: SUPERMARKET - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
ELAINE is pushing a cart and reading the label on the back of a  
  
jar. As she rounds the end of the aisle, another cart rams into  
  
her cart.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hey! Watch where you're g...  
  
ELAINE looks up into the face of STEVE, who is pushing the  
  
other cart.  
  
STEVE  
  
Pardon me. Completely my fault.  
  
STEVE smiles and ELAINE smiles back, looking a little  
  
embarrassed and blushing.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT  
  
The lights are out as the door opens. GEORGE enters and turns  
  
the lights on. He is nicely dressed. With him is his date, AMY  
  
who is also dressed nicely and is laughing.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I just had to give that guy the  
  
space. I mean, I've seen people  
  
do some pretty crazy things to  
  
get a parking space before, but  
  
tap dance while singing "me and  
  
my shadow"? I tell ya, he  
  
deserved it.  
  
GEORGE takes AMY'S coat and hangs it near the door. AMY  
  
is still holding her purse.  
  
AMY  
  
I know! You know, I actually  
  
saw these two guys who fought  
  
over who got to the parking spot  
  
space first, and they wouldn't  
  
leave all day. Can you imagine  
  
that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Nervously) Huh. Imagine that.  
  
AMY  
  
As a matter of fact, one of them  
  
had a car just like...  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Interrupting) Uh, Amy! Would  
  
you care for something to drink?  
  
AMY  
  
(A little surprised) Um. Sure.  
  
Just a glass of spring water is  
  
fine. I just need to freshen up  
  
real quick. Can I use your  
  
bathroom?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Sure thing.  
  
GEORGE points to the bathroom.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's right in there. Just don't  
  
use the toilet. The plumbing's  
  
not working properly. You know  
  
how it is.  
  
AMY  
  
Okay. (Sexy) Be out in a sec.  
  
AMY walks into the bathroom and GEORGE has a confident look about  
  
him. He walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator while  
  
whistling "London Bridges". About five seconds later, AMY runs  
  
out of the bathroom without saying anything, grabs her coat and  
  
runs out the door. GEORGE watches her, dumbfounded.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Amy? What's wrong!? Amy!  
  
GEORGE runs to the door.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
GEORGE  
  
Amy!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - MORNING  
  
GEORGE is slouched in the couch watching television. The  
  
apartment door opens and in slides KRAMER.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey. Jerry back yet?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Glumly) Nah. Not until this  
  
afternoon.  
  
KRAMER  
  
So - I hear you had a date last  
  
night. How'd it go?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I don't know. Everything was  
  
great - dinner - movie - get  
  
back to the apartment and ZOOM -  
  
right out the door without  
  
saying a word. I can't  
  
understand it.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well with all the excitement  
  
going on yesterday morning I  
  
figured you were all set.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Excitement? What excitement?  
  
KRAMER  
  
You know. The sounds of a woman  
  
in throws of passion.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Throws of passion? Well I wish  
  
I was here when it happened  
  
because nothing at all happened  
  
last night. Besides, nobody was  
  
here until after twelve o'clock.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well, you coulda fooled me.  
  
The buzzer sounds. Nobody moves to answer it. KRAMER looks  
  
nervously at GEORGE and the buzzer. It buzzes again.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well aren't you gonna answer  
  
that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Nah. You go ahead. It's  
  
probably Elaine. She probably  
  
thinks Jerry's back, too.  
  
Nobody's here to see me.  
  
KRAMER  
  
But perhaps not my friend. That  
  
may be the answer you are  
  
waiting for  
  
KRAMER points to the buzzer.  
  
KRAMER (CONT'D)  
  
right there. That could be Amy,  
  
back to explain everything. I  
  
think you should answer it.  
  
GEORGE  
  
It's not her.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh - but what if it is?  
  
The buzzer sounds again.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Obviously annoyed) Will you  
  
just answer the damn buzzer!  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Shaken) Well you don't have to  
  
be so pushy!  
  
KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)  
  
Yello! Seinfeld residence -  
  
this is Kramer.  
  
ELAINE (O.C.)  
  
It's me. Is Jerry back yet?  
  
KRAMER (INTO INTERCOM)  
  
Nope. C'mon up!  
  
KRAMER presses the buzzer and opens the door.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Ya see. No one's here to see  
  
me.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey hey. Cheer up pal. I'm  
  
here to see ya. I wanted to  
  
show you what I bought down at  
  
the auction yesterday.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Oh yeah. What's that?  
  
KRAMER excitedly walks to the coffee table and slams one  
  
of his feet down on the table. It is shod with a very  
  
strange looking dress shoe that looks tattered.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Look at that baby!  
  
GEORGE  
  
So it's a shoe.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Oh this is no ordinary shoe my  
  
friend.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Okay. It's an ugly shoe. One  
  
half of a pair of ugly shoes.  
  
So what's the big deal?  
  
ELAINE walks in the door.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Elaine. Come over here and  
  
check these babies out.  
  
ELIANE  
  
(Wincing) Where'd you get those  
  
hideous shoes?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Down at the auction yesterday.  
  
I got them for a steal. Do you  
  
know who once wore these shoes?  
  
ELAINE  
  
The wino who sits outside  
  
Greene's?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Get this. (Excited) Humphrey  
  
Bogart. Bogey himself wore  
  
these here shoes!  
  
GEORGE  
  
What, did he trek through the  
  
Sierra Madre with those on?  
  
They're ready to crumble to  
  
pieces.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Now how do you know those are  
  
actually his shoes?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well why else would they start  
  
bidding at one-thousand dollars?  
  
ELAINE  
  
One-thousand?! Are you crazy?!  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. I'd like to see some  
  
proof before I'd pay a thousand  
  
bucks for a crummy pair of  
  
shoes.  
  
KRAMER  
  
These are no crummy shoes!  
  
They're hand crafted especially  
  
for the man. They're one of a  
  
kind. And man I tell ya, these  
  
babies are real comfortable.  
  
Bogey sure knew how to walk in  
  
style.  
  
KRAMER puts his foot down and does a studly strut towards  
  
the kitchen.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Y'know, I bet if you could prove  
  
they were his, this guy I just  
  
met would pay top dollar for  
  
those. He's a major, major  
  
Bogart fan.  
  
KRAMER opens the refrigerator door.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Ho! Were'd you meet this guy?  
  
ELAINE  
  
I met him in the grocery store  
  
yesterday. His cart just like  
  
accidentally (slaps her hands  
  
together) slammed into mine  
  
right out of the blue.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Nodding and smirking)  
  
Accidentally, huh?  
  
ELAINE  
  
What, you think he did it on  
  
purpose to meet me?  
  
GEORGE shrugs his shoulders.  
  
KRAMER is still rummaging through the refrigerator.  
  
ELAINE  
  
C'mon! That's ridiculous! What  
  
kind of a low life would  
  
actually go out of their way and  
  
do something like that to meet  
  
women?  
  
GEORGE looks around the room, looking guilty.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah, well, can you think of a  
  
better way for a low life to  
  
meet women?  
  
ELAINE  
  
C'mon! That's silly! He's not  
  
the type of guy who would do  
  
something like that.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Okay. Okay. Well then to prove  
  
me wrong, why don't you go on  
  
back to the same store today and  
  
see if he's there again. If I'm  
  
right, he'll be there knowing  
  
the odds of you being there  
  
again are incalculable.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Why would I need to go there  
  
again? I was just there  
  
yesterday. You think I'm a  
  
grocery story junkie or  
  
something?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well, can you go for me? I  
  
gotta be here when Jerry gets  
  
back and there's a sale on salsa  
  
there today.  
  
KRAMER closes the refrigerator door and has an apple in  
  
his hand.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Mmm. Salsa. Love that HOT  
  
salsa! Burns fat away, y'know.  
  
GEORGE stands up from the couch.  
  
GEORGE  
  
That's right. That's right!  
  
C'mon Elaine, just go down and  
  
pick me up a dozen jars or so.  
  
I'll pay you back later.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well. Okay. But you'll owe me,  
  
and then I'll prove you wrong  
  
while I'm there. (Pause) I gotta  
  
use the bathroom.  
  
GEORGE  
  
No! The water's off in the  
  
building. You can't use it  
  
until tonight.  
  
ELAINE  
  
(Sarcastically) So, okay. I  
  
guess I'll just come back  
  
tonight just to use Jerry's  
  
bathroom.  
  
KRAMER walks towards the door.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Where are you going?  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'm gonna put a stop to this.  
  
Those bums down there don't know  
  
a pipe from a tree branch. I'll  
  
show 'em who's boss around here.  
  
They don't call me the Plumbing  
  
Prince for nothing you know!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - SHORTLY FOLLOWING  
  
The basement has an inch of water on the floor and there are  
  
several PLUMBERS working on the pipes at various levels along the  
  
walls. KRAMER enters. His shoes are in one hand and his pants  
  
are rolled up to his knees.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Hey! What's the hold up down  
  
here? I wanna take a shower  
  
sometime today!  
  
PLUMBER 1  
  
What the hell are you doing down  
  
here? We're taking care of the  
  
problem mister, so just go on  
  
back to your apartment an you'll  
  
be splashin' around in your tub  
  
with your rubber ducky in no time.  
  
A couple of PLUMBERS chuckle.  
  
KRAMER surveys the plumbers at work and the water on the  
  
floor.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well. You guys are going about  
  
it all wrong.  
  
PLUMBER 1  
  
What are you talking about?  
  
PLUMBER 2  
  
Yeah. Who do you think you are,  
  
coming down here trying to tell  
  
us our business?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Why, I'm Kramer. Cosmo Kramer  
  
as a matter of fact.  
  
The two PLUMBERS look surprised and look at each other  
  
with gaping mouths.  
  
PLUMBER 1  
  
Did you say Cosmo Kramer?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's right. Cosmo Kramer!  
  
PLUMBER 2  
  
Cosmo. Son of Pipey Kramer?  
  
PLUMBER 1  
  
Pipey, the Plumbing King of New  
  
York?  
  
KRAMER  
  
The very same.  
  
The two PLUMBERS take off their hard hats.  
  
PLUMBER 1  
  
Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Kramer! If I  
  
had known who you were I would  
  
have never treated you that way.  
  
If there's anything I can do...  
  
KRAMER puts his hand up to stop him from talking.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Tut tut my good man. If you  
  
would just point me to the  
  
person in charge here, I think I  
  
may be able to enlighten you all  
  
with the fine toodling my father  
  
bestowed upon me.  
  
PLUMBER 2  
  
(Obviously happy) Yes sir!  
  
Right this way.  
  
  
  
FADE OUT:  
  
END ACT I  
  
ACT II  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY  
  
GEORGE is sitting on the couch again. ELAINE is gone. The door  
  
to the apartment opens and JERRY walks in with his bags.  
  
JERRY  
  
Hey!  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Still looking miserable) Hey.  
  
JERRY  
  
So how'd it go?  
  
GEORGE  
  
I wish I knew. Once again I was  
  
witness to the mysteries of  
  
women. If there was a course I  
  
could take on the subject, the  
  
situation last night would be  
  
the final exam.  
  
JERRY puts his bags on the floor behind the couch.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Sarcastically) So. It went  
  
well!  
  
GEORGE  
  
Besides that, I had to run to  
  
the late night coffee shop all  
  
night to go to the bathroom.  
  
I've never had to go to the  
  
bathroom so much in all my life.  
  
JERRY  
  
Gotta love that salsa.  
  
KRAMER barges in the door, still with his shoes in his hand and  
  
his pants rolled up. All his clothes look a bit wet.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Sarcastically) Here to see me?  
  
KRAMER  
  
(Looking to JERRY) Jerry!  
  
KRAMER slaps his free hand to his shoe soles.  
  
GEORGE  
  
I thought so.  
  
GEORGE gets up from the couch and walks over near JERRY  
  
and KRAMER.  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah, what's up?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Look, I'm gonna get this water  
  
thing all fixed up. Someone's  
  
just gotta go check to see if  
  
the toilet in here works yet.  
  
JERRY  
  
How are you supposed to fix  
  
things?  
  
KRAMER  
  
On the account of my father,  
  
Pipey Kramer - (proudly) The  
  
Plumbing King of New York.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Plumbing King of New York?  
  
KRAMER  
  
That's right. And I'm the  
  
Plumbing Prince.  
  
JERRY  
  
What are you talking about -  
  
Prince?  
  
KRAMER  
  
My father was the best plumber  
  
in the city. He could unstop a  
  
sewer drain with a simple coat  
  
hanger. He had his own practice  
  
not too far from this apartment  
  
here.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Own practice? You make it sound  
  
like the guy was a doctor or  
  
something.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Plumbing's serious business in  
  
this city. I mean, go look at  
  
that basement sometime. I tell  
  
ya, it's no job for a mere  
  
peasant plumber.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Laughs a bit) Yeah. But  
  
Plumbing Prince? C'mon!  
  
GEORGE laughs.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Yeah yeah yeah. Well will  
  
someone just go on in there and  
  
check to see if the toilet  
  
works. I gotta job to do here.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Yeah. Hold on.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
P.O.V. camera shot from inside the toilet looking up towards the  
  
bathroom's entrance. We see GEORGE enter into the bathroom and  
  
look down into the toilet. He opens his mouth in horror and  
  
disgust and runs out of the room.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
GEORGE is pinned up against the wall directly across from the  
  
bathroom entrance. He is holding his hand over his mouth.  
  
JERRY  
  
What is it? What's wrong?  
  
KRAMER  
  
It doesn't work yet?  
  
GEORGE slowly walks over to JERRY and KRAMER, still with his hand  
  
over his mouth.  
  
JERRY  
  
What?  
  
GEORGE pulls down his hand from his mouth and blurts out  
  
angrily.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You should know what's lurking  
  
in there! It is yours! Take a  
  
look for yourself!  
  
JERRY walks into the bathroom, looking very curious and  
  
concerned.  
  
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
P.O.V. camera shot from the toilet as before. We see JERRY walk  
  
in, talking behind himself.  
  
JERRY  
  
What is the matter with you?  
  
What could be so...  
  
JERRY looks into the toilet and has a very disgusted look on his  
  
face. GEORGE is now standing in the doorway but not looking in.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh my.  
  
GEORGE  
  
How could you do it, Jer! How  
  
could you leave...it...in there  
  
like that for someone to  
  
discover? Amy discovered it  
  
last night and it scared her so  
  
much she ran five blocks to the  
  
subway! Do you have any  
  
decency?  
  
JERRY  
  
Me? Well...it...isn't mine! I  
  
don't even eat those! Maybe  
  
it's her...it...in there! Did  
  
you ever think of that?  
  
GEORGE  
  
No way. She hates those! She's  
  
allergic to them!  
  
KRAMER walks into the bathroom. As he speaks, he looks into the  
  
toilet.  
  
KRAMER  
  
What's the probl...YAAAH!  
  
JERRY  
  
My thoughts exactly. Did you  
  
leave...it...in here? Because  
  
whoever did is gonna pay for it.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well it ain't mine. That's a  
  
plumber's nightmare in there.  
  
KRAMER looks down to the floor.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Ho, what's this?  
  
KRAMER bends down and picks up what looks like a magazine.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Interesting reading material,  
  
Jer.  
  
JERRY  
  
What? Lemme see that.  
  
JERRY looks the catalog over and shows signs of anger.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
JERRY and KRAMER exit the bathroom and stand outside by its door.  
  
JERRY  
  
Can you explain THIS?  
  
JERRY shoves the magazine into GEORGE'S chest.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Shocked) Hey! This is one of  
  
those catalogs I keep getting  
  
with all the...  
  
JERRY  
  
(Interrupting GEORGE, still  
  
angry) I know what it is.  
  
Would you mind explaining how it  
  
got into my bathroom and how  
  
it's addressed to you?  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Shocked) Well. I don't know  
  
how it got in there. I didn't  
  
do it! (Alerted) But I bet  
  
whoever's...it...is in there is  
  
the one responsible for sending  
  
me these catalogs.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well what are we gonna do about  
  
it? This needs to be fixed!  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well I can't fix that.  
  
GEORGE snaps his fingers.  
  
GEORGE  
  
You know. If we find out who  
  
eats those, I bet we'll find out  
  
who...it...belongs to.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well how are we supposed to do  
  
that?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well you fellas can stand here  
  
and figure all that out. I got  
  
more work to do.  
  
KRAMER turns towards the bathroom door.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Watch out. I'm going in.  
  
KRAMER holds his nose and runs into the bathroom. We hear him  
  
trying to flush the toilet. All that happens is the rattle of  
  
the flush handle, but no flush. He comes barreling out and gasps  
  
for air.  
  
JERRY  
  
Oh this is just great!  
  
KRAMER  
  
I'll put a stop to this once and  
  
for all!  
  
KRAMER runs for the door.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: SUPERMARKET - DAY  
  
ELAINE is carrying a small grocery basket which is filled with  
  
jars. She walks down one of the aisles and spots STEVE. She  
  
notices that he is acting strangely. We see that he is standing  
  
behind his cart, peering down one of the aisles. A beautiful  
  
WOMAN comes up the aisle, and as she does, he deliberately bumps  
  
into her cart just as he did with ELAINE the previous day. STEVE  
  
and the WOMAN begin to talk and laugh. ELAINE looks upset and  
  
walks toward him.  
  
STEVE  
  
(Surprised) Uh, Elaine! What  
  
are you doing here again?  
  
ELAINE  
  
Oh, I thought I'd bring a basket  
  
this time and try my luck at the  
  
market again. Like this.  
  
ELAINE takes the basket and shoves it into STEVE'S gut. He bends  
  
over in pain.  
  
STEVE  
  
OOF! What...what..  
  
The WOMAN he was talking to looks totally shocked and begins to  
  
cart away.  
  
STEVE  
  
(To WOMAN) Wait. I...  
  
ELAINE  
  
Hmmm. That didn't work. Let's  
  
try this.  
  
We can see now that STEVE is now wearing the same shoes that  
  
KRAMER was wearing. ELAINE stomps a foot down on one of them and  
  
grinds down with her heel. STEVE lets out with a yell of pain.  
  
STEVE  
  
Hey! Do you know who these  
  
shoes belonged to?  
  
ELAINE takes STEVE'S cart and pushes it down the aisle.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Here's looking at you...Jerk!  
  
ELAINE walks away smiling.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
The carriage rolls down the aisle and STEVE chases after it,  
  
limping. It slams into another carriage, but we do not see who  
  
it belongs to yet. STEVE then approaches and we see a look of  
  
some horror on his face.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: SUPERMARKET AISLE - P.O.V. STEVE - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
We see the owner of the other carriage, who is a very fat and  
  
UGLY WOMAN. She is smiling.  
  
UGLY WOMAN  
  
Well. Hello.  
  
  
  
FADE OUT:  
  
END ACT II  
  
ACT III  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - DAY  
  
All the PLUMBERS are gathered around KRAMER.  
  
SUPERVISOR  
  
Look, we know who your father  
  
was, but you ain't no Plumbing  
  
Prince. We're getting real sick  
  
of you ordering us around like  
  
we're a bunch of bums.  
  
PLUMBER 1  
  
Yeah. We've had it with you,  
  
Cosmo. Just let us do the job  
  
our way. We were almost  
  
finished anyway.  
  
The other PLUMBERS begin to express their agreement with  
  
miscellaneous mumbings.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Gentlemen, gentlemen. As  
  
impossible as it may seem, I am  
  
the Plumbing Prince of New York.  
  
And if you would all just follow  
  
the perfect plans I laid out for  
  
you all, we will have these  
  
pipes back to health in no time.  
  
PLUMBER 2  
  
Yeah, but what's in it for us?  
  
SUPERVISOR  
  
Yeah. What do we get by  
  
following your orders  
  
(sarcastically) oh mighty one?  
  
KRAMER  
  
Well...If you all follow my  
  
orders precisely, I will, with  
  
my very hand, make you  
  
all...uh...honorary knights of  
  
Pipey Kramer.  
  
PLUMBER 1  
  
What? You gotta be kidding!  
  
SUPERVISOR  
  
Let's get outta here guys. This  
  
guy's nuts.  
  
The PLUMBERS begin to leave, mumbling.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Okay! You will be nothing  
  
without a blessing from my hand!  
  
You'll be lucky to get work  
  
snaking a smoker's pipe with a  
  
pipe cleaner without my  
  
knowledge backing you up!  
  
The PLUMBERS have all left, and a leak bursts into KRAMER'S chest  
  
from a pipe against the wall. KRAMER, looking worried, slaps his  
  
hand over the leak.  
  
KRAMER  
  
Guys! Hey men! I have another  
  
plan! You'll like it much  
  
better!  
  
Another leak bursts from the same pipe but a few feet across from  
  
the first leak. KRAMER, still holding his shoes, takes them to  
  
his mouth and holds them with his teeth. He uses that hand to  
  
cover the other leak. He is now mumbling wildly through his  
  
teeth for the PLUMBERS to return.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - DAY  
  
GEORGE is on the phone.  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well (laughs) it's a funny  
  
thing, y'see. I'm not  
  
responsible for what you saw in  
  
the bathroom last night. It's a  
  
complete misunderstanding is all  
  
it is.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: AMY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
The camera only shows AMY on the phone from chest up.  
  
AMY  
  
I'm not sure what you're talking  
  
about.  
  
*(As each character speaks the camera cuts to their location)*  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well..y'know...The embarrassing  
  
oversight in the toilet.  
  
AMY  
  
Oversight in the toilet?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Y'know. Someone  
  
left...it...unflushed. It's  
  
quite embarrassing actually.  
  
AMY  
  
More like disgusting. Why are  
  
you telling me this, George?  
  
GEORGE  
  
Well...isn't that why you ran  
  
out of here so quickly last  
  
night?  
  
AMY  
  
I have no idea what you're  
  
talking about, but I think it's  
  
as sick as the catalogs you  
  
read. Good bye, George!  
  
AMY slams down the phone.  
  
GEORGE has a shocked look on his face, still holding the  
  
phone to his ear.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: BASEMENT OF JERRY'S BUILDING - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
KRAMER is still holding two leaks, one with each hand, and one  
  
leak with one of his feet. He has given up trying to yell for  
  
help. Suddenly we see a P.O.V. from KRAMER as he focuses into  
  
one of his shoes. We see a signature in one of them, "Humphrey  
  
Bogart". The camera cuts back to the previous shot, which shows  
  
KRAMER'S excited look. Another leak then sprouts directly in  
  
front of his face, causing him to let go of the shoes and drop  
  
them into what is now a foot of water. The leak is larger than  
  
the other three and is now spraying violently into KRAMER'S face.  
  
He makes gestures to try to block the spray with his tongue  
  
somehow.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
GEORGE is no longer on the phone and sits on the couch. JERRY is  
  
in the kitchen.  
  
GEORGE  
  
My life is over, Jerry. Now the  
  
whole world thinks I read those  
  
catalogs. She thinks it's all  
  
some kind of a sick joke I  
  
played. I'll never get a date  
  
in this town thanks to...it. Or  
  
whoever's...it...it is.  
  
JERRY  
  
Well, we'll find the culprit.  
  
Don't you worry. I'll scavenge  
  
every corner of this building  
  
until I find the home where it  
  
came from. That person will  
  
bring it to its final resting  
  
place.  
  
Outside JERRY'S apartment door we hear someone whistling "London  
  
Bridges". JERRY hears the whistling and listens closer. He then  
  
heads for the door.  
  
GEORGE  
  
What? What is it?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Angry) I know that tune.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: HALLWAY OUTSIDE JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
We see the back of NEWMAN walking down the hall, dressed in his  
  
postman's uniform with a large mail bag on his back. He is still  
  
whistling the same tune. JERRY'S door opens.  
  
JERRY  
  
Newman!  
  
NEWMAN stops whistling suddenly and stops walking, but does not  
  
turn around.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
(Nervously) Uh...yes Jerry?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Distrusting) You didn't happen  
  
to see anyone come into my  
  
apartment...say, sometime  
  
yesterday morning...did you?  
  
NEWMAN remains with his back turned to JERRY.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Uh...why, no. I didn't see  
  
anybody, Jer. Heh heh.  
  
JERRY notices that there is a familiar looking catalog sticking  
  
out of NEWMAN'S bag. JERRY reaches over and snags the catalog  
  
from the bag and looks at it. JERRY has an angry look on his  
  
face now.  
  
JERRY  
  
Turn around, Newman.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Uh...heh heh.  
  
JERRY  
  
Turn around!  
  
NEWMAN turns around and we see that his face is covered in  
  
chocolate. In his hands are "Chunky" wrappers. JERRY walks  
  
closer to him and grabs the wrappers.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Grimacing) Give me that.  
  
JERRY reads the wrapper.  
  
JERRY  
  
Just as I thought. With  
  
peanuts!  
  
NEWMAN  
  
I'm sorry, Jer! I thought that  
  
it was just my toilet that  
  
wasn't working, so when I saw  
  
you weren't around, I figured it  
  
was okay to use yours. I didn't  
  
realize it was the whole  
  
building. Honest!  
  
JERRY  
  
You! Do you know what you did  
  
to poor George in there! His  
  
life's ruined because of these  
  
catalogs! You should be ashamed  
  
of yourself - using George as  
  
the scapegoat in your devilish  
  
plot to read cheap porn!  
  
NEWMAN  
  
I know. I know. I did it all.  
  
I'm sorry!  
  
JERRY  
  
Go in there and apologize to him  
  
and finish the job you started  
  
in there!  
  
NEWMAN sinks his head low and shuffles into JERRY'S apartment.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S BATHROOM - SHORTLY AFTER  
  
P.O.V. Toilet - Nobody is in the room yet.  
  
GEORGE (O.C.)  
  
Well just get in there  
  
and get rid of it now. I'm  
  
calling Amy so you can explain  
  
all of this to her.  
  
NEWMAN (O.C.)  
  
Okay okay!  
  
NEWMAN enters and he peers into the toilet. He even has a  
  
disgusted look on his face. He reaches over to the toilet's  
  
flush handle and pushes it. We see that the toilet is working  
  
and gurgling at the force it's trying to put on what's being  
  
flushed down.  
  
JERRY (O.C.)  
  
Finally!  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: BASEMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
KRAMER is still fighting with the water in his face. Suddenly,  
  
the water in his face stops, but the other leaks continue. He  
  
looks relieved. A couple of seconds go by, and then there is a  
  
rumbling noise coming from the pipes. He begins to look worried  
  
as it get louder and the pipes begin to rattle.  
  
CUT TO:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWING  
  
GEORGE is holding the phone out to NEWMAN.  
  
GEORGE  
  
(Angry) Now you tell her you're  
  
responsible, or I swear I'll...  
  
NEWMAN reaches for the phone.  
  
NEWMAN  
  
Okay. Okay. You don't need to  
  
be pushy.  
  
O.C. we hear an explosion and a blood curdling scream from  
  
KRAMER in the basement.  
  
FREEZE FRAME.  
  
END ACT III  
  
ACT IV  
  
FADE IN:  
  
INT: JERRY'S APARTMENT - NIGHT  
  
The apartment is empty and dark except for a light coming from  
  
under the bathroom door. The apartment door opens and JERRY and  
  
ELAINE enter. JERRY turns on the lights to the apartment.  
  
ELAINE is holding a semi-full paper bag.  
  
JERRY  
  
"Here's lookin' at you...Jerk?"  
  
ELAINE  
  
Well it was all that I could  
  
come up with at the time. What,  
  
you think you can do better?  
  
JERRY  
  
Well you certainly made it up by  
  
making him come face to face  
  
with two-ton Tara. I know I'd  
  
think twice about visiting the  
  
supermarket if I had close  
  
encounters with the three T's.  
  
ELAINE  
  
Three T's?  
  
JERRY  
  
Yeah. Two...Ton...Tara.  
  
ELAINE nods, understanding.  
  
From the bathroom we hear what sounds almost like a woman in  
  
"throws of passion" or pain of some sort.  
  
ELAINE  
  
(Shocked) What is that?  
  
JERRY  
  
(Shocked) I dunno. I don't  
  
remember leaving the door  
  
unlocked. (Pause) (Angrily)  
  
Unless...  
  
JERRY storms toward the bathroom door.  
  
The noises continue.  
  
JERRY  
  
Newman! I know it's you in  
  
there now come on out! I  
  
thought I told you not to come  
  
in here anymore!  
  
JERRY pounds on the bathroom door.  
  
The noises stop.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Angrily) Newman!  
  
There's no answer.  
  
JERRY  
  
(More angrily) That's it Newman.  
  
I'm giving you one last chance.  
  
I'm gonna leave for ten minutes,  
  
and when I get back you'd better  
  
be gone. Understand?  
  
Still no answer.  
  
JERRY turns and walks towards ELAINE. ELAINE puts the  
  
paper bag she has down on the counter.  
  
JERRY  
  
(Angrily) C'mon. Let's go.  
  
He'd better be gone when I get  
  
back.  
  
JERRY and ELAINE leave and close the door behind them. We then  
  
hear that familiar whistling of "London Bridges" come from the  
  
bathroom.  
  
FADE OUT:  
  
END ACT IV  
  
END 


End file.
